Sweet silver lining.

I feel so defeated. I feel so drained out, emotionally.
And the fact that school is no where close to be done discourages me more.
I really just want to go home, and sleep in my big comfy bed, sip on some ice cold water, and have nothing to worry about. But even that won't happen, cause of summer school.
I miss the days when things were oh so simple, with nothing much to worry about, but just hanging out with your friends.
I hate how we're all growing up so fast, and all that's on our minds is school, education, future, work, and some sort of money-making. Every now and then, we'll stick in some fun.

I hate how this is how our relationship is going to be from now on. I mean, I understand what I got myself into, but I thought that there was gonna be more effort put into it. I feel like some sideline girl in your life when you're not busy and just a toy you want to fumble with and then put away when it's time for work. Thaaat, is exactly how I feel. And maybe I'm just being way to over dramatic, but I feel like we're distance. Not literally, but emotionally. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel like you've forgotten about me, and that I'm unappreciated. But I do know that things have changed, we're both growing up, and not in that lovey-dovey phase anymore. It just bugs me, like why can't you just take a couple minutes out of the day to say hello? I mean, how hard is that? To just acknowledge me, and to let me know that I am still some sort of priority in your life. And it's not like me to let these emotions overwhelm me, but for some reason they are. Cause you are imporatant to me, and I want you to know that you are important to me by making some sort of jesture to let you know. I just feel like I'm meeting you half way, and you're not even there? Why? Why all of a sudden a change in direction? Just cause you got a new job? Okay, I get that.. but those who put their career first always end up alone, because they don't enjoy just the simple things in life. And that's all that I want, just simple. Nothing too complex, nothing that we both can't handle, just simple communications to let each other know that it's still there, the candle that's still burning. Why? Why are you letting it die? I hate it. I thought I can handle it, but I really don't know if I can. I know, life is hard, and you have to work at it. But I've been working at it for the past four years. I'm tired, and I don't see you trying at all. It's always me that has to keep the flame burning, why can't it be you, just this once? Sigh, I hope all changes soon, or else, I honestly don't know what to do. And it's not like I can even talk to you about it, because you don't want to talk to me at all anymore. What is up with that? Why? I don't get it, am I some sort of burden in your life now?? I do feel like a last last last, below last resort to you. I just don't know anymore.. I guess we will find out when we approach each other face to face again soon..

Every dark cloud has its silver lining, where is mine?

I'm at war.

This is how I feel at this exact moment,

Bet you I would see it, if you were my boyfriend.

So, it's the season of spring? Or summer? Honestly, there is no different in SoCal.
Walking around campus, it's also the season of couples, oddly strange.

I always wonder what life would be like if I had a boyfriend that lived on campus, or even went to the same school. A reasonable driving distance would even make me happy! What a joy that would be to get to see my boyfriend everyday, him walking me to class, going on dates, and all that jazz. I haven't had a boyfriend go to the same school since sophomore year! Intense. But fortunately, not unfortunately, my boyfriend, or "significant other in my life," lives 400+ miles away. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my current relationship, it's just, my mind wonders when I see all these couples walking around thinking, "Yep, that could be me, but it's not." Haha, anyways, I think what I'm trying to say is that, honestly, I am vulnerable. Not being able to see my boyfriend everyday or every week, it kind of kills me, but at the same time, it makes me stronger. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling at that exact moment. I always look at girls who are so hung over on their boyfriends and think, "you don't know how good you have it to have your boyfriend at your side at every moment." Or those stupid girls that take their boyfriend for granted. It's like, really? At least you get to see him. I think that me being in my.. almost four years (yikes!) relationship, it really has taught me a lot for the better. Oh, and to add, being with Ivann has taught me way more than any other regular guy out on the streets, not to name a few (Alden, hah!). I honestly don't know where I'm going with this blog, but to sum it up, damn, I really do miss my boytoy. It makes me sad, and it's getting so much prettier outside, imagine all the things we can do together. And I know, you guys are probably like, at least you have a boyfriend!! Haha, but in all honesty, it's always better to wait for that one to come, then to waste precious time on silly boys.

Which brings me to the next topic of actually have a man (or boy) in your life. I think that although I haven't really been in many relationships, I am done with messing around with boys (if I was single). I think it takes too much work, and for what? Just so someone can be heartbroken? Always have your standards high, and never settle for anything less than what you're worth.

"Someone that's beautiful deserves to be seen with someone worthy of beauty."

I mean Alden? C'mon, what was I thinking.. Haha, perfect example of don't waste your time on worthless boys!! The only thing gained is another broken heart and another boy that missed a wonderful opportunity.

Other than my ramblings..

.. because of all the beautiful people in my life (including you)!

Change of direction.

Yay, let's see how long this journal will last! (:
First.